It has come to my notice in recent months that despite the fact that being Londonders, of course, you are in fact superior to everyone else on the planet, there might be a few tincy little changes you could make to your commuting style to make everyone's day just that little bit better. You know, slidng up that scale from execrable to approaching mediocre.
1. Gentlemen. While it is true that I am not intimately acquainted with your genitalia, I can tell every one of you right now, with confidence, that your manhood is not so large that you need to sit with your legs at a precise 90 degree angle. As admirable as your trigonometry calculations are, airing your testes in this manner results in you taking up the space of three passengers.
2. The Oyster Card is a modern day little blue miracle, isn't it? Well, it is when it works. And I feel your frustrations too when the little bugger refuses to let you through the ticket gate. However. Imagine the scene:
It's rush hour. Everyone's either a) miserable because they're late for work or b) miserable as they've just spent the day at work. The population of China is attempting to simultaneously dash for the 6.50 to Chessington South. You're one of the lucky ones; you've actually made it to the ticket gate. You gratefully swipe your Oyster Card, so cleverly concealed in your purse, across the yellow reader. DISASTER. 'Please seek assistance', the gate pleads. but no, you decide, I don't need assistance, for I am a Londoner equipped with my Oyster Card and I am DAMNED if this gate is going to make me look like some touristy provincial. So you swipe again. 'Please seek assistance'. Again. And again. And again.
Meanwhile, three billion angry, pushy commuters are pressing behind you in scenes reminiscent of 10.55 at the local on a Friday night. Please, for the love of God. Give it up and go to the TFL bloke by the gate. For all our sakes.
3. Simple laws of physics dictate that if I'm on the train, thus occupying the space you want to be in, and I am trying to free up this space by leaving the train through a reasonably small gap, you should wait for me to get off the train before you shove your great arrogant bulky frame on to your carriage home. Just let me off first, please. And don't stand right in front of the doors blocking my exit or I will TAKE YOU DOWN.
This list is by no means a panacea for the daily challenge that is the London commute. But it's a start.
a x
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